Mind the age gap

There are certainly some interesting age gaps in this family.  Having children aged sixteen, eight, six and two, it definitely means that life isn’t dull, trying to deal with the various challenges that each stage of development  throws at you.  Someone asked me the other day if I regretted having such a big age gap between them all.  My answer was not at all but it did leave left me considering what an ‘ideal’ age gap would be, if in fact there was such a thing.

Being an only child growing up, I would look around at all my friends with siblings with a quiet but resounding jealousy. I would nod my head vehemently in agreement when they told me once again through clenched teeth how lucky I was not having brothers and sisters. They would all moan pitifully about having to share, the constant arguments and bickering and the general injustice of it all and inside I would often think how nice it would be to have a brother or sister to share my life with.

My parents had a troubled marriage and acrimoniously split when I was seven, leaving my mum focused on dragging us up out of the gutter and getting herself qualified to get a job and gradually, I stopped wishing and accepted my lot as a lonely one.  Imagine my surprise when several years later, my father arrived and announced that I had a baby brother. I was thrilled, but as I was fifteen, he and my father’s other two children were more like nieces and nephews, due to the age gap and the fact that I didn’t live with them.

Life doesn’t always turn out as you would hope, but as soon as I had given birth to O, I was thinking about the next one. Sadly, I split up with O’s dad when he was three and although it was the right thing for everyone involved, I really worried about O being an only child.

I was lucky, not long after I met the man to whom I am now happily married and he was desperate to have children; a whole rugby team of them of possible. After two years of trying, we started to wonder if something was wrong. I can still remember how stressful it was for my husband having to go and have his ‘tests’; feeling as though it had to be a problem with him as I had already had a child.

But as luck would have it, before we had even had the test results, I discovered that I was pregnant. When R was born, O was eight and he was thrilled to have a little brother.  He wanted to share a room with him, introduce him to all of his toys, which was lovely, but O didn’t understand that that wasn’t possible with babies and of course, by the time R was big enough to share those things with his ‘big’ brother, O was descending rapidly into the grunting teenage years and although they have always got on, they don’t share a real brotherly bond, which makes me a little sad.

As it had taken us so long to conceive with R, once I had recovered, we started trying for another baby.  I didn’t have any preconceptions about the possible age gap.  I felt so happy to have two amazing children, that if I was blessed with another one, I didn’t mind when.  Good job really as I fell pregnant quite quickly and there are only nineteen months between R and L.  Some would say and ideal age gap.  At the time, I’m not sure that I would have agreed whole-heartedly with a miserable, constantly screaming, lactose intolerant baby attached to my hip whilst trying to deal with a very jealous and difficult toddler at the same time.

It was certainly an interesting time.  Had L been a peaceful, happy baby, then things may have been different, but those first few months were tough.  Looking at the pair of them now, it was definitely worth it.  They come as a pair; R and L, L and R.  They fight and squabble and bicker, but without the other one, they are lost.  R likes to play the whole ‘independent big brother’ role, but he is the first to step in to defend his brother and worries if he wanders off too far.  L just adores R and wants to be like him.  He hangs off every word and gesture, sometimes a little too much.

Then last but most definitely not least came little A.  L was four when A was born.  I did worry a little about the age gap as R and L are so close but I needn’t have worried.  A is now two going on five and being the only girl in the house, she is definitely not a person to be ignored.  Whether it is female independence or having three big brothers, she ensures that everyone takes notice of her.  She may be younger, but she is confident and happy and loves her brothers without question and they love her.

So what is an ideal age gap to have between children?  Well the ‘ideal’ isn’t always possible even if there was one.  There are so many factors that affect when, how and if you conceive, that planning the ‘ideal’ gap isn’t always possible.  Then there are multiple births to throw into the mix too.  There are people who plan two year gaps between their children and it all goes to plan.  Two years is a nice gap; close enough to have similar interests and be at school together, it means that some of the clothes and equipment can be recycled.  Less than two years can be a struggle, but I see lots of people who have done it and manage fantastically well.  A good friend of mine had three children under five and is happy that her three have bonded and also that she has ‘got all the child-bearing out of the way’, allowing her now to start thinking about restarting her career without feeling guilty.

The downside that I have found with bigger age gaps is that eight years is a long time.  O and R get on well now and play Lego together and enjoy spending time together.  O is still in the ‘grumpy teenager’ phase, but is slowly emerging out of it and R absolutely idolises him.  L and A love him and enjoy it when he is here, but are a little wary of him and they definitely wind him up with their noise and tantrums.

At the end of the day, it turned out that I was never going to be able to have my children within a fixed time slot and that doesn’t worry me at all.  I am so lucky to have them and being the ages that they are, they all bring something different to our family life.  The age gaps may not be ideal, but they work for us.