Why? (the back to school edition)

So back they go to school and all around the country you can hear the sound of parents running around like headless chickens trying to get everything prepared for the return to school.  Not only do we have to prepare for the early mornings and actually getting them to school, but they need to be fully equipped and looking civilised.  For the first few weeks at least.

It is exhausting.  Personally, I feel like I should have spent the summer holidays practising for the first week back instead of relaxing, it might have made the whole experience a whole lot less taxing.  Having successfully survived the first couple of weeks, I have some questions about some of the things that we have to go through just to get our little darlings back to school;

Why do we bother with iron on labels?

I mean what is the point of them?  I find this process a particularly difficult one I mean whoever invented iron on labels is probably up there somewhere having a right bloodey laugh at us all fannying around trying to iron, wait, iron, wait, iron, bloodey wait to then either find that the label falls off in the first wash or shrinks into some horrible unrecognisable mess because you held the iron on it for two seconds too long.  I am becoming a life long fan of permanent markers.  The rest of the year, that is all I use but at the beginning of the year, I do try and make a bit of an effort; create the impression that I am a good mother and all that.

I am a fan of sticky labels although it has to be said that I do get a bit carried away with them.  I just like them,  They require no ironing or any silly faffing around, you just smooth them on and they look all tidy.  When they ask me why I have put ten labels on their lunch boxes, I just smile sweetly and tell them that it is to make sure they don’t lose them.  They aren’t convinced.

As for sew on labels (and I apologise profusely to you amazing parents who have spent hours painstakingly sewing them on) why would you buy sew on labels?  Do you not have lives?  It must take hours to sew them all on.  I would never do it.  I could never do it.  Even if I did, my sewing is so bad that they would probably fall off after a week anyway.  Sharpies (and any other reputable permanent markers) are the way forward people.  My mum bought L a set of different coloured Sharpies for his birthday this year and I was secretly fist pumping at the thought of all the different colours I could use to write their names on things.  I might even do rainbow names, who knows?

Whilst on the subject of labelling uniform; why do we bother labelling it at all?

My son has an impressive ability and it is putting on someone else’s trousers and shoes.  I actually don’t know how he does it.  Apart from writing is name in fluorescent paint down each trouser leg and on the front of his shoes, I have no idea how else to ensure that he comes home in his own clothes.  Everything is duly labelled of course, but L wouldn’t think to check small things like that.  Oh no, he would rather squeeze his bottom into a pair of trousers that are too small for him, so small in fact that he was probably on the brink of losing all circulation in his lower body they were so tight.  I had wondered when he came out of school why he was walking so strangely and we did have some fun trying to get them off.  It is also a thing of school legend now that if someone loses a shoe, they know who will have it.  He often comes home with odd shoes on and doesn’t notice.  He never notices, he once tried to go to school with one shoe and one trainer and it took  while for him to realise why we were all laughing.  Over the years, we have lost uniform, had other people’s and I don’t think any of the boys ever bothered to check once whether anything they had put on really belonged to them, they just grab anything and if it fits, that’s all that matters.

Why do we buy new shoes?

This is a question that I ask myself every single year without fail.  We go through hell to buy the children school shoes.  It is one of those jobs that can’t be done early as you can guarantee that if you buy them in July, they will have a huge growth spurt in the feet area and will have grown a whole size meaning you have to go into the shop at the end of August anyway.  Have you ever been into a well-known school shoe retailer at the end of August?  Then you should consider yourselves extremely lucky.  Imagine a shop crammed full with stressed out parents, flustered shop assistants, children either whining or running riot around the shop; shoes and shoe boxes everywhere.  It is not a pretty sight and I have no doubt that when those shops close at the end of the day, the shop assistants all head straight for the pub for a very well-earned, stiff drink.

So  we go through ‘shoe buying hell’ and the shoes look all lovely and shiny and new.  Until the end of the first day of school that is.  How is it that children can destroy a pair of shoes in one day?  Mine can that is for sure.  They must take every single opportunity when they are outside to kick things, drag their shoes through the gravel and jump in muddy puddles as I absolutely cannot believe the state they are in after a couple of days.  Added to that, L can’t be bothered to undo the velcro (yes, he has velcro not even laces) and put his shoes on properly, he prefers to shove his feet into the shoes and the backs are usually tucked under his feet and the shoes look more like slippers.

Why can’t someone invent child (boy) proof clothes?

Well I have already mentioned the shoes and what a disaster they are, but I have just as big an issue with clothes.  Trousers in particular.  Maybe it is a boy thing but after just two weeks, L has nearly worn through the knees of one pair of brand new trousers and R has spectacularly ripped one of his new pairs so badly, that they are irreparable.  My only consolation in this sorry state of affairs is that these days you don’t need to remortgage just to buy a couple of pairs of school trouser, but even so, two weeks and two pairs down?

I also have this conspiracy theory that there is something about school uniform that magnetically attracts dirt. It is like that washing liquid advert where the girl in the white dress is walks serenely along and a variety of food and drinks fly towards her.  Well, that is my children on a daily basis but with more charging than serene walking (my children do not do serene).  I kid you not when I say that there are already stains on some of their new uniform, I do not know how they do it.  When I pointed this out to them crossly at the end of last week, little Miss A patted me on the shoulder and told me to go and buy some Vanish.  I think I may well be following her advice and buying a job lot.

Why is the concept of homework so alien when it was only six weeks ago that they last did any?

It does take a while to get back into the homework habit doesn’t it?  It takes time and effort to get into a good routine (one that doesn’t involve the whole of Sunday doing homework and yes, I know that one from personal experience) and then the summer holidays come along and even though you have the best intentions, they don’t do anything that even resembles school work at all.

I only have myself to blame on this one as I  do believe that holidays should be exactly that; holidays.  My children are so exhausted by the end of the summer term, that I am happy for them to take a complete break from school work and as long as they do carry on reading.  So it is with a certain amount of dread that I take the first lot of homework out in September as I suddenly recall the huge effort it took a year ago to actually get them to sit down and do it without having to be chased, pinned down, threatened, bribed or coerced in any other way.

For R this time, he is now at middle school, so long gone are those gently primary days of one or two pieces of homework a week. Oh no, he could potentially now have one or two pieces per night, maybe more, so I was very quick to kick the “I’ll do it at the weekend’ into check and convince him that weekends are a much happier time without ten pieces of homework.  Somewhat reluctantly, he is doing his homework on the night it is set although his Maths homework so far has been playing games online which he thinks is amazing and strangely enough I don’t have to do any coercion to get him to do that.

Why do children hate going to bed early?

I am much more lenient over the summer holidays with regards to bedtimes and the boys in particular were going to sleep much later than term time, but that is fine as they can stay in bed for longer in the morning.  Logical, I think.  The children do not.  No they think they can burn the candle at both ends and continue the late nights and still get up early in the morning.  The harsh reality of that is that they have to be forcibly dragged out of bed in the morning and threatened repeatedly with being taken to school in their pyjamas. Then there are the foul moods and frayed tempers to deal with later in the day.  It is not pretty.  I would love to be able to go to bed early, I really don’t know why children have such an issue with going to bed.  You look at them bleary eyed, pale and trying to suppress a yawn and yet they insist they are not tired.

Needless to say, after two weeks, bedtimes are much earlier in this house.  Mine and theirs.

Why do the bugs and viruses return after one week back at school?

All three children were happy, relaxed and full of beans after a restful holiday and after only one week; yes, one week, they all went down with a cold.  Night times have become a cacophony of loud sniffing and coughing and the house smells like a Vicks Vapour Rub factory.  How does that happen so quickly?  I may  have to spend next summer boosting their immune systems with various vitamins and minerals to try and ward off bugs as this happens every single year.  Then of course, they pass it on to me .. wait a minute.. anyone got a tissue?