What has 21 years of parenting has taught me?

So the day has come.  I am officially the mother of a 21 year old.

I can’t believe that three years have passed since I wrote this post about what I had learnt from 18 years of parenting.  21.  How is my eldest son 21 years old? Emotionally, I swing from being so incredibly proud of him and all that he has achieved to being distraught that I am old enough to be the mother of an actual independent grown up. And he is a grown up.  He is at university now and pretty much lives independently with the odd pop home to check in and I know that now he has flown the nest, he probably won’t ever come back for any length of time.

21.  How is my eldest son 21 years old? Emotionally, I swing from being so incredibly proud of him and all that he has achieved to being distraught that I am old enough to be the mother of an actual independent grown up. And he is a grown up.  He is at university now and pretty much lives independently with the odd pop home to check in and I know that now he has flown the nest, he probably won’t ever come back for any length of time.

So what has being a parent for 21 years taught me?

It does get easier.

You are always a parent, even when they are adults. They need you less but they still need you.

That sleep is always a ‘thing’.  When they are born, it is the thing you crave and never get enough of.  As they grow, they never think they need it when in fact they really do and bedtimes can feel like forever. During the teen years, they need more sleep but just plain refuse and then you have to drag them out of bed by their feet every morning.

That children can be the most frustratingly stubborn of creatures. But determination is a good thing, right?

I would love to say that it has taught me to be patient, calm and constantly reassuring but that would be a lie. But it is okay to lose it every now and then.

To listen to them.  Really listen to them and try not to be dismissive of the small things as the small things matter and if you stop listening, they stop talking.

The teenage years may seem like a long dark tunnel filled with Dementors but at the end of the tunnel, someone switches the light back on and normality resumes.

If you take too many photos of them, they will not like you.  If you take photos of them and put them on social media once they have hit the teen years, they will like you even less.

If you are not a parent who is gifted with Pinterest-worthy craft skills, it is okay to go out and buy kits.  Kids just enjoy spending time with you, it is the quality of time that counts, not the quality of crafting.

It’s okay not to keep every single piece of artwork or model they ever made but don’t ever let them see you throw one away. Covert visits to the recycling bin at midnight are the answer.

Christmas and birthdays become bloody expensive as they get older.  Smaller presents do not equal a small budget.

In fact, everything gets more expensive as they get older, you might need a second mortgage when they start driving.

Don’t compare yourself with parents on Facebook and Instagram.  It might seem, during darker days, as though every other family is perfect and problem free.  That is not true.  All parents have good and bad days.  All of them.

21 years and four children has taught me that you can support your children and guide them in the right direction but ultimately, they have to make their own mistakes and find their own way through life.  Just be there with supportive smiles, emergency tissues and outstretched arms when needed. Oh and money, they always seem to need that.

It all works out in the end.  Kids go through phases and crazes and for all of those times when you wonder where you’re going wrong or why your child is behaving in a certain way, they will come out of the other side and you will all be better and wiser for having gone through it.

You may at times find yourself saying things you would never have imagined saying such as “squeeze it hard as soon as it is in your mouth” (juice drinks and yoghurts, of course!) or “playing with your winky in public is not a great idea”.  Or  having conversations that you never wanted to have such as the ins and outs of sex (no pun intended) or explaining what a blow job is.

It is okay to make mistakes.  This one works both ways.  It is okay to make mistakes as a parent, we are always learning and you will learn from each child that you have.  It helps them to see you make mistakes and to learn that it is okay to make them and that nobody is perfect. It is also okay for them to make mistakes.  It is human nature.  Shrug, sigh and move on.

That parenting is a mixed bag of emotions; elation, worry, pride, despair, happiness, frustration, the list is never-ending.  When they say it is an emotional roller-coaster they aren’t kidding.

It has taught me to hang on to those moments.  Treasure those memories.  Ignore the housework.  Spend time with them.  Hug them often.  Tell them that you love them.  21 years will fly by, trust me.

Every time they leave, they take a little piece of you with them and that can be the toughest part of parenting of all.

And that being a parent really is the most incredible and rewarding job in the world.  The pay is varied and sporadic. There are no holidays, ever, and at times it can feel like the toughest job but when you look at your grown up children and what they are achieving and have already achieved, you know that you have done a great job.  There really is nothing else like it.