Things you never want to hear your child say

We wait so patiently for our children to say their first words and soon enough they are chattering away non-stop.  It is lovely listening to them but there are some things that you really don’t want to hear.

What the f*** are you doing mummy?

My little darlings don’t swear!  Of course not.  Well, actually I know that they do, but I remember one of my brood (who shall remain nameless) aged five asking me that lovely question.  He had no idea why he sent his mother into an apoplectic rage, he had heard the question somewhere and was keen to show off his newly acquired language.  Let’s just say that was an expression has not been used in front of me since.  Kids do pick up swear words but it is still a shock when you hear it for the first time; especially when it is out of the mouths of babes.

My best friend has head lice.

*starts scratching head* Enough said.

Don’t worry, mummy will never notice.

You know when you are busy doing important things like tweeting on the loo or making a well earned cup of tea and that phrase floats into your ears in whispered tones.  Suddenly the ‘something’s up’ radar is in full swing and you just know that something is broken, stained or generally disfigured in some way.  No, mummy will never notice her living room being redecorated with Sudocrem or her best mantlepiece mirror being smashed to smithereens. This phrase is also on a par with its distant cousin; “promise me you won’t be angry“.  Angry?  Moi?  Never …

Can you wash super glue off?

This is one I have had recently.  I made the very silly mistake of leaving a small tube of super glue out as fixing Tinkerbell was constantly on my daughter’s fairy obsessed mind.  R decided that he was the man for the job and failed miserably in his fixing quest but did an admirable job of gluing his fingers together.  Luckily it was very cheap glue and a bit of warm water did the job.  Thank goodness, I have done more than my fair share of visits to A&E.

Permanent ink isn’t really permanent is it?

I am a big fan of Sharpie pens until my children are in control of them.  Thankfully Google is full of solutions to get permanent markers off skin but if you are reading this children of mine; do not ever use it on your face just to test the theory!

Why do you have a double chin/big tummy?

They ask me that question all the time and I just roll my eyes dramatically and reach for another biscuit.  When it is particularly embarrassing is in public when they make comment about random strangers, very loudly.  Mine always seem to do this on the train or tube whilst staring hard at the lucky recipient of their pleasantries.  My youngest son seemed to have an interesting fixation with big boobs for a while and would often ask loudly in shops ‘why does that lady have such big boobs?’ whilst I was busy praying for a large hole to open up and swallow me.

Mummy I have cut my own hair.

Whilst holding a large pair of scissors and a chunk of their hair.  They look so proud of themselves as they think they are helping.  Somehow they also manage to take a chunk from the most obvious place too, so that everyone can see their ‘clever’ handiwork.  I foolishly made the mistake of trying to cut my daughter’s fringe a couple of weeks ago.  Foolishly as it never ends well when I try and cut hair.  It wasn’t too bad but there were these uneven bits and they drove me mad.  The result was that I kept brandishing scissors at random times and chopping a bit more off.  I’m guessing that I only have myself to blame then that she thought that this was normal behaviour.  I shall now be hiding the scissors.

I can’t hold on any longer.

This isn’t a great thing to hear from any child but it does help if you are in close proximity of a toilet.  That rarely happens though does it?  Oh no, they always save that favourite phrase for those times when you in the car with no services in sight or in a crowded place with large queues to get through.  It is of course even more entertaining if they finish this phrase with; “and it is a poo!”  Great joy.

This brown stuff tastes funny.

My daughter recently told me that there was something wet near the toilet and it tasted funny and I was quite alarmed.  She survived of course and it turned out that there are many medically acceptable reasons to drink urine.  Although, I have decided to stick to tea for the time being, the brown stuff is a no go area.  But children do have this strange habit of putting things in their mouths don’t they? It starts from those early days and in my son’s case, carries on well into double figures.  “Oh there is something brown on my shoe!” Immediately followed by a quick taste.  What was he thinking?  That he had walked through melted chocolate?  He seemed distinctly less bothered that his neurotic mother and at least he didn’t say that it tasted better than my cooking I suppose.

I was sick, but don’t worry I have cleaned it up.

I loathe vomit (I’m not sure that there is anyone who likes it) and the one thing I loathe more is other people’s.  Baby sick is manageable but the proper lumpy stuff is horrendous and trying to clean it up is a vile job indeed. I train my children from an early age that there is to be none of this projectile nonsense all over the place; the first sign of something untoward and they take residence over a bowl or the toilet.  Simple.  It does work and the boys are quite good now but there have been a few times when they didn’t quite make it but assured me that they had cleared up.  Needless to say, they hadn’t and I really should wear slippers.

What’s a blow job?

Now I can remember asking my mother this question as a young and very naive girl.  A boy at school kept asking for one and I had no clue what he was talking about.  When my son started talking about ‘boners’ once in the car, I nearly crashed but they pick up these words and phrases at school at a very young age these days.  It was also in the car that we had the ‘sex’ talk too.  I’m quite honest about these things as I know that they will find out elsewhere anyway and I would rather that they didn’t have to ask their teachers.

What are those white things in your handbag that look like mice?

Oh yes, I have had that one more than once in my years of parenting and I can admit to barefaced lying my way out of that one; ear plug, to stop nosebleeds, extra big tissue, anything that pops into my head in fact.  We all have to tell little white lies sometimes.

So there a few things I would rather not hear from my little darlings, what would you add to the list?