Did you ever think your life would be like this?

That’s the funny thing (or one of the many) about parenting isn’t it?  It changes your whole perspective and throws it firmly on its head. 

It starts as soon as the baby is born.  Having a baby to look after and entertain full time changes you. The hours I spent talking ‘baby’ and pulling faces and singing like a lunatic to try and ward away the tears.  Then there were the lengths you would go to get a small person to sleep. Driving around in the early hours, sitting on the drive with the engine running, galloping around with the pram or pushchair, rocking them until your arms are ready to fall off, all just to keep the baby asleep for a few more minutes. When R was a baby, he settled really well if I bounced on our gym ball, I spent hours bouncing on that thing in the dark, but on the plus side it was probably doing my legs and bottom the world of good.

And so it continues, pulling funny faces, making silly noises, singing, talking in silly voices, over-acting all these things we do with our babies and toddlers to get them to do the simplest of things like eating, drinking, being in the right place for a photo or lying still long enough to get their nappy changed.  I’m quite sure that secretly they are having the last laugh and thinking to themselves what total idiots we are for behaving in this way.

That is without mentioning the obvious lack of dignity of course.  I mean if giving birth isn’t bad enough, I was so horrified by the first pooh filled offering from my eldest son, I was ready to put him back from whence he came.  He was also one of those baby boys who started peeing as soon as he got a waft of fresh air down there and it was a few months before I developed the knack of high speed changing to avoid a faceful of pee several times a day.  Then there are those delightful nappies that fill so suddenly that they explode with full force and you wonder how such a small person could produce so much pooh.  Plus the exploding ones go everywhere don’t they?  And done even get me started on the joys of toilet training; we have the grey hairs and the stains to remind us of those delightful years.

Then there are the comments you sometimes make in public, out loud, you know the ones that as soon as they have left your lips, everyone within hearing distance stops and stares at you open mouthed?  Or is that just me?  One of my favourites is the comment that I gave each of my children whilst handing them a juice carton with a straw; “suck hard and don’t squeeze it until it is in your mouth.”  It was only when some cheeky chappy passing by made a rather suggestive remark in return, that I realised that maybe that particular turn of phrase wasn’t the best choice. I also recently said very loudly to A;”No, you can’t marry Daddy”, in a particularly harassed voice as we had had the conversation many many times and that raised a few eyebrows as did telling one of my sons to stop feeling mummy’s boobs.

I have lost count of the number of times in recent year where I have had to have some ‘interesting’ conversations with my children and in the last seven days alone, I have had to deal with such questions as; “why are people gay?” and “what is a blow job?” as the boys seem to have reached a somewhat curious stage in their development and are keen to find out the answers to these and many more interesting questions.  On the one hand, I am thrilled that they are happy to come to me and discuss these things with me but there is a small part of me that is cringing and wanting to run away in the opposite direction. 

On the plus side, there are so many more positives to these strange situations that you find yourself in. Making dens with everything and anything, rolling down hills, crawling around the house having Nerf gun battles, playing chase until you can hardly breathe, picnics in the rain, splashing in giant puddles, getting stuck in mud so sticky that you lose your shoes, sitting in a chair with three children on a seat made for one the list goes on and on.  So many times, you could sit back and think about how you would never ever have imagined yourself in these situations, but in reality you are too busy living it ..and having lots of fun.