Dear whoever

My inbox is always a constant source of amusement for a variety of reasons; people wanting to give me their inheritance even though they have never met me (just fill in your bank details, you know the sort of thing), bizarre requests to be people’s ‘fuckbuddies’ (I have no idea what that is all about and I really don’t want to know either) and other weird and wonderful people.

However, the thing that amuses me the most is the way I am addressed in these emails.  Having a blog and putting your contact details out there on the World Wide Web does open you up to a huge quantity of emails and as all of my details are on my contact pages, I know instantly who has taken the time to find out information about me and those who have just used my email and plan to spam the hell out of me.

Some are correctly addressed to Nikki which is fine, Nicola sometimes which I don’t mind either.  Occasionally I have emails to N, which is slightly random but still somewhere in the right area.

If it starts with Dear Madame, Hello Dear, Dear Friend or Lovely Lady, I am instantly wary; these are usually something dodgy.  Dear Website Owner is not the greatest of starts either.  Impersonal much?

One recent email started (Insert Name Here) which made me feel oh so very special indeed. I also regularly get called a range of different names; Sarah, Jenny, Jane, Debbie, often followed by a line about how much they love my blog, except the blog they quote is not mine. One or two start with just Dear…, they just couldn’t be bothered.

Being a blogger, I expect a certain number of Dear Blogger emails or the variations such as Dear Mummy Blogger, or Dear Parent Blogger. These don’t overly worry me but I know that this is part of a large email campaign where a number of bloggers have received the exact same email.

Hey you, is an opening that I object to.  If you don’t know someone, I don’t really think that is a professional start and Hi Hon (yes I have had a few of those too) is even worse and instantly gets my back up.

Hello Mummy.  I’m sorry but unless one of my children is emailing me, that is just plain wrong.

A couple that have made me chuckle are Dear Stressy, which does sum me up on most days.  I have post addressed to Stressy Mummy these days and the man in the parcel office at the Post Office shouts “Hiya Stressy” when I goto pick up parcels.

To the talented writer of the blog.  Slightly vomit worthy but it made me smile.

So there you have an interesting array of email openers. Do you have any to add to the list? I do generally prefer people who address me by my name and to be fair, most usually do, but the start of an email certainly can alter the way you feel about the contents, so it is worth checking who you are actually sending the email to before you send it.

However, we can’t all be perfect, can we?

My final one was courtesy of the joy that is autocorrect whilst typing in a hurry and this was me.   Instead of saying Hi Peter, I managed to type Hi Penis and it was only when I pressed send that I realised and as I was on my phone, I couldn’t stop the message going.

Funnily enough, I never had a reply. At least I didn’t sign it ‘king retards’ (another of my autocorrect errors).