I do shout. Not all the time. Sometimes. There is one member of the family who I shout at the most. Every time I shout, I feel bad. I feel as though I am a bad parent. The worst parent.
I shouted this morning. I am extremely premenstrual, tired and I have far too many things going on in my brain as usual. No excuse, I know, but that doesn’t help. Number three son was being somewhat challenging. We needed to get sorted and go to school. But no, he was more concerned about naming his phone, which incidentally, he didn’t even need today.
So I shouted.
I saw my daughter jump out of the corner of my eye and cower slightly. That picture has stayed with me all day and I feel awful.
The thing is, I know that I shouldn’t shout. It doesn’t achieve anything. I don’t feel better and it certainly doesn’t resolve the situation. One of the first things they teach you when you train to be a teacher is that shouting is not the way forward. If you shout all of the time, the kids will zone out, it loses its effectiveness. They will just get louder.
I know this. Yet still, every now and then I seem to find this shouty voice that comes out of nowhere.
I can picture myself on one of those parenting programs where the children are misbehaving and the parents and children are filmed. I would be watching myself with my head in my hands, ashamed.
Having read up on the subject, I felt even worse. Reports state the psychological damage caused by shouting at children, some say it makes their behaviour worse, others say that it affects their health. Most agree that it achieves nothing but upset for the parent after and the child stops listening when you start shouting anyway.
I need to stop shouting. It is upsetting everyone, including me, and I need to work very hard to stop, however tired, annoyed or angry I might be. Calm is better. Calm and controlled have to be the way forward.
What are the alternatives to shouting? Finding something to distract yourself; counting to ten … or more if necessary. Go to another room and give yourself some time out. Deep breathing. Walking away. Imagine the child or children in question as babies and how cute and adorable they were then and still are most of the time. Keep a stress ball handy. Use a loud, firm voice rather than shouting. Use sanctions to deal with poor behaviour. Whisper (apparently this is very effective if they are expecting you to shout at them). Give them a hug and tell them how much you love them.
I have to stop shouting. I don’t do it very often, but I want to stop shouting altogether. My eleventh commandment is ‘you shall not shout’. I may write it on a piece of paper and hang it somewhere I can see it every day.
What are your strategies to avoid shouting?
Oh, I feel your pain. I had a shouty morning this morning, and I hated it. I felt bad and stressed out. I find getting ready in the morning for school is my most likely shout time, and I really try not to. I must get better at it, as you say x
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I think you’d struggle to find any mum who hasn’t shouted on occasion. We all reach a point, from time to time, where we just flip – and then immediately regret it. It’s hard to stay calm when chaos ensues all around, but of course, you are right – it solves nothing. I have a worry stone which I rub when I feel tense, and it really does give an alternative focus and takes me away from the moment. When youngest is getting stroppy (despite being 9, he still does!) I try to make him laugh because I know if he strops, I’ll get tetchy and then… well, you know where it will end. Like you, I must also try harder though. I’d love to be a non-shouty, calm and fun mum 🙂
Claire x
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Aagh! I can relate to this and, like you, I have one child who gets shouted at more than the others. I’m pleased to say I’m doing it a lot less now, but I would still like not to do it all. I think I’ve realised that the fallout from shouting is upsetting for everyone and disproportionate to the initial reason why I shouted in the first place. Good luck with cutting down!
Sarah MumofThree World recently posted…One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey
It’s soooo hard to control it when you’re at the end of your tether. I always instantly feel bad and the guilt is awful but then I do it again, usually after the 30th time I’ve told Z to put his shoes on or something similar. I have no tactics really, other than to take a deep breath and keep telling myself he’s been dealt a fresh batch of hormones and it’s all development. Doesn’t always work!