With two tweens at middle school, I knew that things would change. I expected a change in attitude, I expected a new interest in clothes and hairstyles, I expected girlfriends. I did expect girlfriends. Even though they are still quite young, it does seem to be the thing to do. I wasn’t quite prepared for the fuss and stress that came with having girlfriends however
Back in November, I blogged about my experiences and during the first few months and how the mirror had become a place to worship and Instagram was the lifeline of the tweens and I think it is safe to say that things have descended into complete chaos ever since.
R is still watching from the sidelines and holding firm his belief that he does not need a girlfriend and I am very proud of him. He does so much sport, he doesn’t really have time for anything else anyway. He observes his friends and his younger brother and their ‘relationships’ with amusement and appears to have no interest in dipping his toe in the murky waters for a while at least.
L, however, is still going strong. I may have lost count with a couple of repeat offenders and two or three with the same name, but I think we are into double figures now. As much as there is a humorous side to all of this, there is a very serious side. The whole concept of dating is such a long way from when I was young, it is far more intense and with phones and social media, communication is constant and that is not a good thing.
They are too young for social media but when they went to middle school, I agreed to give Instagram a trial run. I was on there, it was just photos, how bad could it be? That is a decision that I have learnt to regret. R is very sensible, he checks in every now and then, adds the odd selfie and sends the occasional direct message. L is not as sensible. Instagram quickly became an obsession. He was on it constantly, checking for followers, in about twenty different group chats, always sending direct messages to people, usually girls.
He does have more of an obsessive personality but it was worrying to see how important it became to his daily routine. We limited time and constantly checked his account to keep an eye on things. Before long, he was asking to go on other things; Skype, Snapchat and Kik to name but a few. So many of the other kids at school seemed to have them all and talking to R, I can see why kids feel pressured into being on them. Some are even on Facebook.
Being on social media a lot myself, it felt extremely hypocritical to be lecturing my son about why he shouldn’t be on it. I am online a lot less now anyway fortunately and I openly talked to him about how I was addicted in the first year or so but then I realised how much time I was spending online and that I came to realise that real life was more important. Socal media is not a bad thing, in moderation.
Sadly, L is at that stage where he doesn’t really think that I understand and didn’t want to listen. Refusing to let him go on anything else, we decided to let Instagram continue but on a very limited basis. One girlfriend led to another and they discovered the joy of FaceTime. Oh, what a joy that isn’t. All of our Apple devices are connected, so when the girlfriend FaceTimes him, they also FaceTime me. A couple of the girls he has dated, were friends and somehow they had my phone number which was passed around and I started to get random phone calls from giggly girls at different times of the day.
Along with Instagram, there came more girlfriends. One girlfriend led to another and they discovered the joy of FaceTime. Oh, what a joy that isn’t. All of our Apple devices are connected, so when the girlfriend FaceTimes him, they also FaceTime me. A couple of the girls he has dated, were friends and somehow they had my phone number which was ever so kindly passed around and I started to get random phone calls from giggly girls at different times of the day.
I was starting to feel like my phone was some sort of tween dating hotline.
Some of these girls are extremely persistent too. They will call, they will call again five minutes later and again and again. One night, I had to switch every device off because one girl was constantly ringing and at 11pm, I had had enough.
Do these girls’ parents know that they are ringing boys constantly and so late at night? Is this normal behaviour for 10 or 11 year old girls? In this house, we have a device ban after a certain time and all devices are put away so that there is no temptation. I would be horrified to find my kids ringing people at 11pm, maybe that’s just me?
Then there are the messages. As in real life, my youngest son is a boy of few words, in fact by text he has become a boy of few letters with such expressions as “Ik” which apparently is short for “I know” or “k” instead of “ok” (because ok really needs to be shortened doesn’t it??). He quickly gets drawn into messages of love where there are heart emojis and “I love you babe” which is quite strange when you consider he only goes out with these girls for a few days. In return, he gets messages of undying love and how they are missing him. Then it gets a bit silly with conversations about him going off them, questioning if he still loves them and when they break up, messages about how they can’t live without him and how much they still love him.
It makes my head hurt. Surely they are too young for this?
I try to explain to him that this is all too much too young but he doesn’t seem to want to listen. I know that I am not alone with this, having talked to other friends with sons of a similar age, it has happened with them too.
Last weekend, things came to a head and L has deleted his Instagram account. It was a combination of bribery on our part (new Xbox game) and the stress he was feeling with these girls constantly messaging him and I have to say that I am hugely relieved.
Social media and phones are a huge game changer in this fun game we call parenting. Both are things that can’t be avoided and it is important to teach them how to use them safely, the dangers and that it is not always a positive thing. Even though the last few months have been difficult, I think that we have all learned something from the experience. I have learnt that kids need to be emotionally ready for social media and mobile phones and that you have to keep an eye on what they are doing. Never assume that they are okay, keep checking and always have access to their accounts just in case. I have also learnt that tween girls are a serious force to be reckoned with, I can’t wait for my daughter to reach this lovely age.
For L, he has learnt that maybe having a girlfriend is more trouble than it’s worth (well until the next one) and that maybe he is not quite ready for the demands of social media and the stress it can cause. As much as I held off from having a Xbox until recently, I am much preferring it at the moment to girlfriends and Instagram, so long may that continue.
Haha yes, social media suddenly makes video games seem appealing doesn’t it! My 12 year old still isn’t interested – he doesn’t even want a mobile phone yet by some miracle! He does use Scratch – which is a coding thing – and that has an element of social media about it as you can message and comment to others – but seeing as it is only filled with him and his geek mates I don’t worry too much about that one! And as for girls – no interest in them…yet anyway!
Thank goodness none of that was about when my daughter was a tween tho – the bickering at school was bad enough without them all being able to do it at home too!! She had FB from 13 – but at that point I had her logins so I could keep an eye. In all honesty now she has them all, but as an adult that’s up to her – but is a far sparser user than me – they do it all away from where parents might be now – group messages and snapchats that I (probably thankfully) can’t see!
Your kids sound very sensible. My eldest is really good, he says that he only uses FB to message privately and doesn’t really use any of the other things either, it was a lot easier when he was growing up, he had MSN and Beebo but he didn’t use them very much. I think as they get older it does get easier
I had no idea this is what is now normal for 10 year olds and it’s only 5 years away for Z, argh! I love your bribery tactic though and think I’d fully use that one too!
Oh Nicki, I’m going to be referring back to your blog all the time! My boy has just turned 10 and he is soooooo going to be obsessed too. He had a ‘Popjam’ account for a while this year which was a junior version of instagram and he was checking it all the time and celebrating new followers very day. In the end one of his friends hacked his account and put some mean things on there so we agreed to close it down. I was so relieved….. however I know that it’s only a matter of time before he wants to start some other social media craze again. He’s also had girlfriends since year 2 of primary, plus he’s very handsome and romantic….so basically I’m completely doomed! Oh the fun and games of raising kids. I’ll be back for tips….keep ’em coming. x
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Ha ha I think you may have some fun times ahead! We did Popjam too and then L got bored and deleted his account, he has now deleted Instagram now for as long as it lasts and I am quite happy about that. Good luck, I’m sure you will get through it
My 13 year old is obsessed with Instagram….lol She has a Facebook & Twitter account but she hardly bothers with them. So far it has all been nice and fun. Phew x
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You are very lucky! I am sure it depends on the personality too, L is quite obsessive about things and that doesn’t help.
Oh no, I am dreading all of this. My girl’s only 6 so I am hoping it’s a while off, but it is a whole new world compared to when we were young and I am not looking forward to it at all. I can see how it could become addictive and get out of hand, glad it’s all under control again now x
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It is scary how quickly it comes round and it is a big part of growing up now which is sad, but it does seem to be how things are. I’m sure you will be fine when the time comes, I think it helps when we are quite social media savvy as we can at least advise and know the risks involved
Yikes my daughter has just turned 10 and I would be horrified and angry if she was ringing people at 11pm. For one she is in bed asleep and 2 she does not have a phone yet. The teen does have an instagram account but he uses it to message a friend he met on holiday last year. She is a girl but no mention of her being a girlfriend. It sounds terribly stressful all this girlfriend saga and no wonder you are relieved he is back playing on his Xbox. My son prefers to play on his PS4 than bother with social media and sometimes I hate the amount of time he is on it, but reading this maybe I should be glad. God this parenting lark is a minefield xx.
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It so is a minefield and sometimes it feels like there is something new to worry about! I am surprised by these girls and their demands but we go to secondary school (well, middle school) a year earlier and so I wonder if that makes a difference? So far, as much a the Xbox in very, very addictive I am much preferring it to social media, L has come off Instagram now and it is a huge relief
Wow, this does sound stressful! I let my younger son have Instagram in year 6 as all of his friends had it and it did rather take over for a while. Like you, I naively assumed it was just photos, but, no, it was all about the group messages. We’ve never had girls in the equation though! It must be horrendous having them messaging and phoning that late at night. My eldest was on the phone to a girl at 1.45am on New Years Day, but he is 14 and that was a one-off.
My younger son has now made his IG account into a beautiful work of art, with only about 8 beautiful photos on it. All the messaging from his primary school days is a thing of the past as he’s moved on to his new school.
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OH bless you I can’t imagine those calls continuously from ten year old girls giggling. lol I am so scared of the teenage years eeek
Well I managed to sail through the first set of teenage years but this is a whole new ball game. It certainly is a challenge
This is what I meant by the Instagram DM – there really is nothing good about it for kids that young, they can’t handle it! I know that some are sensible and my eldest has always been like that but seriously? What are these girls thinking of?! They are far too young. Sounds like an excellent idea to shift to the Xbox. No wonder it make your head hurt lol! It must be interesting for you to be parenting teenagers again – no social media last time?