Five conversations you never start with a teenager

My eldest son turned sixteen last month and as I have been stumbling blindly through the wilderness that is parenting a teenager, I have learnt that, though it is good to talk to them (or at them as is often the case), there are certain topics that should be avoided:

Sex

First one is anything relating to sex.  As he is now sixteen, I only have to mention the word sex in any context and he gives me one of those stares that could sour milk! I have on occasion broached the subject very gently from a distance with him as he has been going out with his current girlfriend for a while now, again if I get remotely close; the look or a “for god’s sake mother!” coupled with over dramatic eye rolling. So if he is doing it, he would rather discuss it with one of the checkout operators at Tesco than with me.

Tidiness

Secondly, don’t ever, ever talk about tidiness, cleanliness or the use of domestic appliances. I don’t think my teenager has managed to see through his mass of face-covering locks to see that we do in fact own both a dishwasher and a washing machine! Dirty clothes are left randomly around his room until I get mad, have a complete hissy fit and clear up and it’s the same with crockery and rubbish. Is he blind? No just ridiculously lazy! And when I bring up the subject, once more we are in cursing and eye rolling territory once again. When I asked him recently if he knew what a dishwasher did, he replied; “don’t need to do I, that’s your job!”

Friends

Thirdly, do not discuss under any circumstances any problems with friends at school. Talking generally about friends is OK, but teenage friendship issues are far too complicated for a mere adult to comprehend. The female variety goes off on a confusing rant about what everyone said and did until you are completely lost and not really sure what they are talking about. The male variety does not discuss such things as you would not understand (accompanied by eye rolling and deep sighing).

Working

The fourth topic to avoid would be getting a job. Now this one depends again on the type of teenager that you have in your house. My teenager particularly likes sitting on his bum with food and television remote within easy reach. The mere mention of the word job turns him into a ranting, raving lunatic!

It’s amazing that someone who does little other than sit with a permanent attachment to either the computer/iPod/mobile phone can suddenly become so animated at the prospect of stepping away from all of those things for a couple of hours a week.  I only mentioned the word paper round, not slave labour!

The Future

Finally, the last big no-no is anything relating to plans for the future.  Now in my days as a teacher, I have known very organised and forward thinking teenagers who know exactly what they want to do.  However, my personal experience has shown me that choosing options and thinking about careers is a bit of a minefield.  Obviously, I don’t expect anyone aged fifteen to know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives.  I’m forty and I still don’t know!!  But is it unreasonable to ask them about what interests them, what they might want to do at A’level/university?  Apparently, it is.  Whenever I gently nudge that subject in his direction, I get a look of complete and utter disdain and comments like: “I’m sixteen!  How would I know!” or “For God’s sake, I don’t know!”

So there you have it.  If you do have to communicate on these subjects, don’t say I didn’t warn you!!