Alone

There are times when I do feel really alone.

Yesterday was one of those days and I felt very sorry for myself indeed. My daughter was ill again. I say again as she has been ill a lot recently. Not seriously ill, but ill enough for me to have to put her in the car and race to A&E.

With four children, I have had many visits over the years to the doctor and to A&E. It’s fairly inevitable. But A seems to be a ‘sickly’ child. She has a weak chest. One minute she has a runny nose and the next, she is struggling to breathe. No-one seems to be able to explain why. There have been mutterings of asthma, but she is too young to be diagnosed. Some say she will grow out of it, others say she won’t. It’s all a bit frustrating really.

I hate to see her so poorly and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, she still ends up in a bad way.

This happened yesterday. She woke up with a bad chest. I dosed her up with calpol and ventilin. By lunchtime she was really struggling to breathe. I was driving back from a friend’s house and she suddenly went really pale and couldn’t catch her breath. I did panic but what parent wouldn’t?

I wasn’t far from my doctor’s surgery, so I stopped there, took A in and asked the receptionist if anyone could take a look at her. Stony faced she told me that it was not a walk in surgery and there were no appointments free until later that afternoon. I explained with tears running down my cheeks that I was really concerned about my little girl and she repeated again that they didn’t offer a walk in service and so I said I would drive her to A&E which is forty minutes away. At that point the receptionist smiled and said ok then, thank you! I wouldn’t like to put into print what was going through my head at that time.

I gave A tons of ventilin and drove to the hospital. The overdose of ventilin did seem to help an she slept in the car.

Once the panic subsided, reality returned and it occurred to me that I probably wouldn’t get back to school to pick the boys up. I tried to get hold of my husband, but he is a teacher and is really difficult to get hold of. I left message for him to ring me . I tried to ring my mum but I couldn’t get hold of her either. I was also meant to be picking my friends children from school too, once again I couldn’t get hold of her either.

That’s when the tears came. I haven’t had a lot of sleep this week and We had a tough week the week before last as A had gastroenteritis and L had been ill too. So I think the overwhelming feeling of self pity was a combination of tiredness, helplessness and generally being fed up of life sometimes seeming constantly uphill.

Eventually I managed to get through to my husband who reassured me that he would get the boys from school and contact me friend about her children and that I should just concentrate on A.

When we finally saw a doctor, A was diagnosed with a severe viral infection and although they didn’t think I needed antibiotics, I needed to give lots more ventilin to keep her chest under control.

Today, after a rough night she is better and although I am knackered I am really glad that she is on the mend.

Funnily enough this all coincided with me looking at a local, part time teaching job that I saw advertise this week. In many ways, it’s perfect both in terms of location and hours. The problem is; and yesterday proves this to me again, that I am pretty much on my own. My husband is fantastic but he works an hour away and as a teacher himself it is really hard to drop everything and run if there is an emergency. My mum is local but she works full time and she loves seeing the children, but doesn’t have the time to help out unless it is an emergency. My in-laws are fab but they are two and a half hours away and look after my brother in law’s children pretty much full time. I have some lovely friends but they all have families and busy lives of their own.

So it is me. I have to deal with most things and make most of the decisions. Most of the time, I don’t mind, but every now and then, like yesterday, I want to scream and cry and shout and stamp my feet and let someone else deal with it all. I have been a stay at home mum for seven years and although out house is falling apart around our ears and we could really do with being a two income family again, I don’t think it will be happening in the near future.

I am so lucky. My children are generally well and healthy and I have an amazing life. There are parents out there who have to deal with so much worse than me and I honestly don’t know where they find the strength.

Back to normal today and apart from tiredness, I am feeling a lot calmer today. I have to remember that I have so much to be grateful for, however, a little self pity every now and then doesn’t hurt. As for those parents who are lucky enough to have supportive friends or families that help you out regularly with the children, make sure you thank them as you are really lucky!