I’m a mum get me out of heeeere!

I am not the biggest fan of reality television, I watch some programs and some of the Saturday night versions drag me in unwittingly until I reach a point where I get so cross that I stop watching, but I have to admit that I’m a Celebrity is a bit of a guilty pleasure.  It doesn’t matter how random the ‘celebrities’ are, there is something about the combination of starvation, disgusting tasks and the Geordie wit of Ant and Dec that makes it compulsive viewing.

As I am sat there watching the contestants munch their way through a variety of jungle nasties and find themselves covered in unpleasant critters and creatures, moaning and whinging about how hard life is for them, I can’t help thinking how many unlikely and let’s face it downright unpleasant  tasks we find ourselves in as mums on a daily basis where we would often want to shout; “I’m a mum, get me out of here!”

Take an exploding nappy for example.  We have all had them I’m sure. I mean all ‘soiled’ nappies are pretty disgusting, but we take them in our stride.  The nappies I’m talking about are the ones where you suddenly feel a wet patch on your trousers or you notice some rather unfortunate brown stains on your little one’s clothes. Those nappies where you are quite frankly amazed by the amount of pooh that can come out with such force from such a small person.  They lie there gurgling sweetly at you whilst you don’t have enough arms and hands to get rid of the yucky stuff.  You end up getting through a whole pack of baby wipes, strip baby off and sometimes yourself if you’ve been really unlucky and you still can’t quite get rid of the smell.  This once happened to me and someone pointed out to me on the school run that I had a brown mark on my face. AAARGH!

If you are lucky enough to be the proud owner of a little boy, you will probably know from personal experience that you have to become the fastest nappy changer in the west. There really is nothing like a face full of pee.  This was my now eight year old’s party trick; as soon as he felt a waft of fresh air down there, he was off.  I could have won medals for speed changing his bottom, I can tell you.

Continuing on the topic of bodily fluids, I can honestly say that I would eat live insects rather than deal with vomit of any kind.  I know that by the very nature of the yellow lumpy stuff, it isn’t going to be high on anyone’s wish list, but I really struggle.  Baby sick is fine, once they are over three, they really ought to be old enough to clean themselves up.  Enough said.

Then there are those unwanted visitors that jump from head to head.  I did not sign up for those little critters when I became a parent I can tell you.  Touch wood, we have avoided them up until now, although as a teacher, I have spotted a few roaming around which is very distracting when you are trying to check someone’s work. It’s making me itch just thinking about it.  Yet I have friends who seem to be plagued by the damn things and within twenty-four hours, the whole family is reaching for the comb of doom.

Feeding time at the zoo is always a cause for entertainment.  The way my children react to the food that I have lovingly cooked, I may as well have put mealworms and witchetty grubs on their plates.  Trying to get my seven-year-old to eat anything he doesn’t like or isn’t sure of is a nightmare as he sits there retching and gagging, which is enough to put any grown adult off their food.  That is without the child who insists on putting too much in their mouths and then coughing or shouting small pieces of their food at you.  That’s always lovely, as is the regurgitated food that they spit out onto the table.  Lovely!

My final challenge is that of sleep deprivation.  That is a real killer.  I feel so sorry for those poor well-paid celebs who miss a few winks due to the odd unwanted creature in camp, they should send in a couple of new born babies, or even my seven year old who is in and out of bed on an hourly basis, then they would be earning their money I can tell you.

Bushtucker, smushtucker.  I could rewrite I’m a celebrity with a few of the daily challenges facing us mums and really make them want to get out of there!