Fear is a funny thing. I heard someone say that the other day and had I been part of the conversation, I probably would have responded that actually it really isn’t, there is nothing funny about being afraid of something, especially if that fear dominates your life.
Fear and phobias are always a topic of conversation in this house. I blogged recently about the fact that my son has a phobia of baked beans, which seems quite funny when you think about it, but if he comes face to face with his nemesis; a plate of beans, his reaction can be quite extreme and he certainly does not find it funny.
My husband has a fear of cats which is also quite extreme. There rest of us have the regular fear of spiders and creepy crawlies but nothing too life-changing but my daughter is terrified of dogs. Absolutely terrified. It doesn’t matter if they are big or small, cute or fierce, even puppies make her run away.
On thing I have discovered from A’s fear of dogs is that it doesn’t matter how many times you tell her that a dog won’t hurt her or how nice and friendly it is, it won’t make the slightest difference. Sadly, she is still scared.
Yet people still try to say that to her. I know that it is kindness that makes people say things like; ‘but he is really friendly, why don’t you come over and stroke him’ and the many similar lines that I have heard over the years, but it doesn’t make any difference.
It also doesn’t help if you deliberately bring your dog over to a scared child. You may be trying to help, but trust me, it doesn’t. Fear is an irrational thing and it can potentially do more harm than good.
When she was younger, there were times when I felt a little frustrated with her insistence to cross roads or being picked up when a dog was heading in our direction and I would tell her that she was being silly and that the dog wouldn’t hurt her. People often stand outside the school gate with dogs on leads as they can’t bring them into the playground and we would often have to wait until the dogs had gone before I could physically get her out of the gate. As she has grown older and the phobia hasn’t gone, I realise that this is more than being silly.
The boys were scared of dogs when they were younger and we did have an incident when a dog jumped up at the children outside our house which frightened them all, but they have grown out of it. It has helped that their cousins and other friends have dogs, by spending time with dogs around it has helped to alleviate their fears. Yes, they are still a little wary which I don’t think is a bad thing as not all dogs are friendly and personally I think caution is a good thing where dogs are concerned.
We were once in the park near the school and the park is luckily enclosed in a large fence, A was happily playing when another family arrived with their dog. The mother let the dog run around the outside of the park while she let her children play in the park. The dog couldn’t get in but ran around the fence barking and trying to get in. My daughter was physically paralysed with fear and tears were rolling down her cheeks because it was scaring her so much. I think that was the day that I realised that this fear wasn’t as trivial as I had previously thought. I picked A up and suggested that we go but of course the dog kept approaching the gate as we did which made A even more afraid. The mother’s reaction? She was not at all sympathetic and gave us the usual ‘he’s really friendly’ line before making it quite clear that she wasn’t happy about tying him up while we left.
It was quite a traumatic experience for us and one that has made me much more aware of how my daughter feels in these situations.
For little A, it is a huge preoccupation and it is usually her first question when we go anywhere new; have they got a dog? She isn’t really keen on any animals but dogs are the big one and if a friend has a dog, they have to reassure her that the dog will be outside in the garden before she will set foot in their house.
If you love dogs and own dogs, it may not occur to you that anyone else would be afraid of them and I do understand that but a little understanding and empathy for others can go a long way. As to those kind souls that suggest the best way for her to overcome her fear is for us to have a dog ourselves, I say thank you but no thank you. I think that would be a huge commitment simply to get over a fear of dogs.
I am sure that in the future, she will grow out of this fear but if she doesn’t, we have all adapted to her fear now. I have learnt to accept now that if we are walking along the road and someone is coming the other way with a dog, we may have to cross over. I also know that when someone offers to bring their dog over to see her as it is ‘really friendly’, to smile politely and decline as it wouldn’t make my very scared daughter feel any better about the situation and I reassure her that it is ok and we will go in a different direction if necessary.
Photo courtesy of LifeWithZeus at http://www.morguefile.com
You could have been writing about my eldest girl here….She is terrified of dogs. For no real reason. She always asks have they got a dog when we go somewhere new too….I know exactly what you mean about people trying to be nice with their friendly dogs…..Hopefully one day they will grow out of their fear 🙂
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I’ve never known such an extreme fear of dogs. Maybe there’s some kind of management of the fear, CBT or something that could help reduce the fear, or provide her with coping mechanisms to eventually overcome the fear without being drastic.
I was scared of dogs as a child, thanks to a little yappy dog snapping at me, and then a neighbour having a scary doberman in their garden all the time which would bark. I was better with mid sized dogs or obviously soft ones like labs and spaniels, but even to this day although I love dogs, I hate little yappy things. Mostly because I think they’re a waste of space, but it probably harks back to the vicousness and the inferiority complex I reckon lots of them seem to have. I think I was just helped by gradually meeting nicer gentle dogs, and even a friends alsatian.
Hopefully your daughter will be the same and be able to get past the fear, even if she doesn’t love them.
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Yes I hadn’t thought of CBT, that might be something to consider somewhere down the line if it doesn’t get any better. She is still young and I do hope that over time, she will grow out of it but in the meantime, I just try and keep her away from dogs as much as a I can. I know exactly what you mean about happy dogs, my husband was bitten whilst out running by a happy dog once and he is very wary of them, they can sometimes be worse than bigger dogs.
What a horrid dog owner that woman is, part of being a responsible dog owner is not allowing the dog to scare people, and acting responsibly if it does!
Regardless of where your daughters fear comes from it is valid and should be treated in the same way any other phobia is, such a shame that people are so ignorant and have such ridiculous suggestions to help her “get over it”.
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To be fair, most dog owners we know and meet are really lovely and I know that some offers to bring the dog over are meant kindly, I just wish some people would understand that it is really stressful for her.
A’s story is same as mine. I can relate to everything written here. I was afraid of dogs and am still afraid of them but have out grown the fear much better. Can you think of a 17 year old girl standing still terrified and almost crying in the middle of the road just by seeing a dog. that was me…hmm..And i always used to stand outside the gate and ask relatives and friends to first tie the dog if they wanted me to come inside the house.
now i am 28 and have almost outgrown my fear…now i am ok with dogs around…. 🙂
Thank you for commenting because even though you say that you are still scared, it helps me to know that you have almost outgrown it now you are an adult. I am glad that I now see how bad it is for her and so I try and avoid situations where she will have to be near a dog to try and avoid her getting distressed. I hope that like you have, she will get better with time.
My mother is 71 and frightened of dogs, she once phoned my dad to collect here as there was a dog on someones driveway and she didn’t want to walk past it, my dad asked her where she was and she replied ‘3 doors down from home’ my mum decided she would have a dog when my sister and i were 7 & 11, she never walked it (we lived in the country it just followed me and my sister everywhere) and got my father to take it to the vets, when they moved into town she couldn’t bare to go out with the dog because she had such a fear of other dogs attacking her and her dog. My mother is still frightened of dogs and I’m surprised she hasn’t installed a life long fear into me and my sister, but she manages the fear better since she her last dog, who died around 10 years ago, she still crosses the road, stays in the car until the dog has passed but we don’t get the hysterics from her anymore and the running away which just seemed to attract the dogs more.
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